Talking with your partner after prostate surgery

Bring your partner in

These are Dick and Marzena's stories, not medical advice. Your doctor can help with your own situation.

So, how do you talk about sex after prostate surgery? You might have plenty on your mind and no idea how to get the words out. Or you might be the partner wondering how to open the subject. This conversation has room for both of you.

Richard "Dick" Gorman brings partners into the conversation in Episode 1. Tell her or him what is happening, he says, especially when things change in the bedroom. Read Dick's words about involving a partner.

Marzena Rybak joins Episode 6 as a guest and Richard's partner. They met after his diagnosis. She talks about the nerves of meeting a new partner and wanting to impress her. She reckons Richard managed it: "And he did by the way." Read Marzena's relationship story.

Ask, then listen

Dick's contribution during the Episode 6 intimacy chat is short: ask your partner for guidance. Then listen. He gives that second bit its own sentence. Read the exchange about asking and listening.

Marzena agrees. She says it matters that the woman is involved as a co-partner. She calls it "terribly important". That is a pretty clear request to be part of the conversation. There is a voice for each person in that exchange. Read Marzena's response about being involved.

If you have asked what your partner wants, give them the floor. Let them finish. If you do not understand, ask. You are allowed to be curious about the person beside you, even when you have been together for ages.

And if you are the partner, there is room for your question too. You do not have to spend the whole conversation working out the right thing to say back. Say what is on your mind.

A few ways to start

You can borrow a line if the words are not coming:

• "I'm finding this hard to talk about. Can we have a go?"
• "I don't want to guess what you're thinking. What would you like me to understand?"
• "Would you like me to listen, or is there something you want to ask me?"

You need not sound like a podcast host. Use your own words, including the awkward ones. "I don't know" belongs in the conversation too. You can be unsure and still want to hear what the other person has to say.

More than the bedroom

Marzena offers her own view that intimacy can include other ways of satisfying a partner when sexual function changes. Read her perspective on intimacy.

Dick also talks about the rest of a shared life in Episode 4. Mateship. A walk on the beach. Talking and laughing, seeing films and plays, going out for a meal. He comes back to including your partner from the start. Read his reflections on companionship.

What would be on your list? It might be a good feed together, a terrible film you both enjoy, or the chance to sit and have a yarn. Leave room for the everyday things you like about being together, alongside whatever you want to say about sex.

You can want to talk about both. There is no need to choose a grand theme for the evening. Start with the thing you want the other person to hear, and let them tell you theirs.

Keep the conversation going

If a passage here gives you a way in, show it to your partner. You can say which bit caught your attention and ask what they made of it. No speech. Just somewhere to begin.

There are more conversations for partners and family to explore together. The PCFA and Cancer Council links below have more Australian information.