Episode 06
Sex after prostate surgery: a partner's view
Guest Marzena Rybak joins her partner Richard and his mate Steve for a conversation about intimacy and listening after prostate surgery. In the edited transcript, she offers her personal perspective and explains that she and Richard met after his diagnosis.
Watch Dick and Marzena's conversation
Richard and Marzena talk about intimacy, listening and meeting after his diagnosis.
This recording contains personal recollections, opinions and jokes. The health context on this page explains its limits. Ask your doctor about your own care.
Got a worry about your prostate? Talk to your doctor.
About this conversation
In this episode
- Marzena joining as a guest and Richard's partner.
- Her personal perspective on intimacy beyond an erection.
- Dick and Marzena talking about asking and listening.
- Their account of meeting after Richard's diagnosis.
- An edited transcript with some passages omitted from the text.
A partner joins the conversation
Earlier episodes follow Dick's worries about sex and the changes he describes after surgery. Here, Marzena adds her own perspective. When Dick talks about asking a partner for direction and listening, she stresses being involved in the conversation.
Marzena also explains that she and Richard met after his diagnosis. She describes her account as subjective. That personal perspective is the focus of this page; it is not evidence about how all partners feel or how a new relationship will develop.
Edited transcript
The written transcript is edited, and some passages are omitted from the text. The full conversation is in the video and audio above. The remaining words come from the recording. Editorial notes are labelled separately.
Marzena joins as a guest and Richard's partner. Their conversation about sex is personal, not a promise about recovery. The broad statistics and statements about cancer in the recording should not be used to judge your own diagnosis or outlook. Talk to your care team about sexual changes, fertility and support. Sources: PCFA, side effects and Cancer Council, prostate cancer care guide.
Steve (veterinary surgeon): Well, g'day again, Dick. Good to see you, mate. Steve, how are you, mate? We've got a special guest today.
Dick: We do. We've got someone who's decided to join us. She's my partner, Marzena. We met after my diagnosis. I'm so I'm probably more fortunate than anyone.
Part of the recorded guest introduction is omitted.
Steve (veterinary surgeon): Previously, we've spoken about the other person in a man's life. And they are a significant factor.
Part of the recorded guest introduction is omitted.
Marzena: Thank you for inviting me.
This passage is omitted.
This passage is omitted.
Dick: It's interesting you say that. And Steve, I mean, the point is that if a man and their right, thinking if I have an operation, this is possibly I may not be able to function as a man. I get an erection going forward. They have a right to be afraid of that happening. But that's counted significantly by the fact that if they don't do something, they're probably going to die.
This passage is omitted.
This passage is omitted.
Steve (veterinary surgeon): Yes.
Treatment can still be available when cancer has spread. Your care team can explain the options. Read PCFA's treatments overview.
Marzena: And once the metastasis go to your bones and to your brain, the game is over anyway. And your penis is not going to work.
Dick: Sure.
Marzena: And as I said, and I can recall one or two who, despite that, I spent a kind of long time and effort in convincing them. Those two men just refuse.
Steve (veterinary surgeon): Yeah. And what was the basis of that, do you think?
Marzena: The cultural background is very significant. The man feels that he's only a man when he can perform sexuality well.
Steve (veterinary surgeon): Yes.
Marzena: And I always kind of joke, I say that men generally overestimate the significance of big and hard penis. Women don't look at men in that way. That's the perception most men hold. But for women, that's not that important.
Marzena: And even if you're that unlucky, in my opinion, even if you're that unlucky, you will lose all or most of your sexual, pre-morbid sexual function, you still can satisfy a woman in many ways.
Dick: So the woman, the winner out of all of this is the woman?
Marzena: That's right.
Dick: I knew there was a catch somehow!
Read the episode 6 health context and sources.
Marzena: If you want some kind of medical weird statistics, statistically, we know, and I don't know who does those studies, but we know that only about 30%, depending on which studies you look, only about 30% of normal women are able to get vaginal orgasm. The other 70 or 80% can't. So here is the man kind of worrying about size and the stiffness of his penis. The woman doesn't care about that really in most cases. Women can be satisfied in other ways.
This passage is omitted.
Marzena: Essential. It's essential. And just to follow on that line. So prostate is just a small gland about the size of the walnut, which is placed just under your bladder and it surrounds your urethra. So I don't know if you discussed it. We probably haven't. If I'm repeating myself just tell me.
Dick: We've touched on it from a straight definition.
Steve (veterinary surgeon): Well, I couldn't touch on Dick's because he doesn't have one. But that's right.
Dick: A little bit personal!
Marzena: In simple terms, the prostate fulfills two roles. One is producing the fluid to protect and support sperm.
Steve (veterinary surgeon): Correct, and make semen.
Marzena: And make semen. And another one is a muscular spasm, if you want, during orgasm. So it helps with ejaculation.
Steve (veterinary surgeon): But it also controls urination. So early signs of prostate disease can be not able to urinate freely or frequently going or dribbling smaller amounts.
Marzena: Dribbling smaller amounts at a time. That's right. Because when you think about the physical, anatomical kind of placement, it just under the bladder, so it presses on the bladder and it blocks the flow of urine.
Steve (veterinary surgeon): And you can also press on the colon too. So it can be constipation.
Read the episode 6 health context and sources.
Marzena: Absolutely. Absolutely. So it is a small organ, but very significant organ. And men worry that once that little organ is removed, they won't be able to produce children or have orgasm ever. And those are kind of myths, because yes, you still can have children. You can either collect the sperm before the procedure or you still have testicles. You can remove sperm from testicles and then have in vitro fertilization of your partner. But as to the orgasm, they called dry orgasms. So the man is still able to have the orgasm. He just won't ejaculate.
Steve (veterinary surgeon): It's all about you, Dick.
Dick: I just wanted to make the blokes out there who think maybe it's not going to happen again. Let me tell you.
Steve (veterinary surgeon): Well, I'm going to tell you, Marzena, while you're here, let's chat about, you know, Dick and I have touched on tantric sex and kama sutra, and you know, you've already said that there's other ways that, you know, our partners can...
Marzena: And there is still clitoris for those men who are watching. Remember clitoris? What is that?
Dick: That's right. They've got to know how to find it. There's a lot of men now looking out of the dictionary. Some place probably got an atlas.
Dick: Just ask your wife to direct you gently. And then listen. She will be happy.
Marzena: That's right. And I think it is terribly important that the woman is involved and that the woman is a co-partner.
Part of the recorded guest introduction is omitted.
Steve (veterinary surgeon): Sure. So if a man's greatest fear is the loss of manhood and, you know, I guess we relate that back to our sexual prowess.
Marzena: That's right.
Steve (veterinary surgeon): What you're really saying is sex after losing a prostate is fabulous.
Marzena: It's fabulous. Can be actually much more enjoyable for a woman. Just saying it!
Steve (veterinary surgeon): Even with him?
(Laughter)
Marzena: It was wonderful before and really wonderful after. Yes.
Dick: You didn't know him before!
(Laughter)
Marzena: This is my...
Dick: I told her!
Marzena: That is my very subjective opinion. But it shows you and, you know, and it would be brave on the men because, yeah, that's true. We hadn't met before. We only met after Richard's diagnosis. And of course, it causes anxiety in any man, especially at certain age, you know, with an illness, you meet a new woman, you want to impress her. And he did by the way.
(Laughter)
This passage is omitted.
Dick: Yeah, yeah.
This passage is omitted.
Read the episode 6 health context and sources.
Marzena: And in 90% of cases, it's not anatomical or physiological illness. Mental. It's mental. Sure. Because they're anxious. Or they haven't performed once for whatever reason, they were drunk or tired or whatever, then they got it in their head that they can never perform again. And with each next attempt, they convince themselves more anxiety. And more anxiety, and they become impotent.
Dick: The situation, Marzena said that there's alternatives.
Dick: And thank God there's an alternative to Cialis with Viagra, because the Cialis gave me indigestion.
Steve (veterinary surgeon): Yeah, right.
Dick: Yeah, I know. It was very downside. I thought, "Geez I can't win a trick here." But the bottom line is that there are other things and clitoral stimulation that Marzena touched on. It's really interesting that 70% of women have found something other than complain about than an erect penis. So if that's the case, then for those guys who are having their prostate out,
Dick: there's real hope here. Yeah, great. Make none mistake.
Steve (veterinary surgeon): Yeah.
Marzena: That's exactly right.
This passage is omitted.
This passage is omitted.
Read the episode 6 health context and sources.
Steve (veterinary surgeon): Well, I think the important qualifier there too, Marzena, is one of the few cancers that is almost completely curable.
Marzena: If it's caught early.
Steve (veterinary surgeon): Correct. And if it's treated. There's not a lot you can do about lung cancer or pancreatic cancer.
Marzena: That's exactly right.
Steve (veterinary surgeon): Prostate cancer is treatable and curable.
Marzena: Curable. And you can test it or keep an eye on it just through a very simple blood test before you have to head to the doctor and have the PR examination. So just keep that in mind.
Steve (veterinary surgeon): Yep.
Marzena: On that note, I think.
Dick: Thank you, Marzena. That was great. Thanks. A rose among thorns!
Questions from this episode.
Who joins Dick and Steve in Episode 6?
Their guest is Marzena Rybak, Richard's partner. She explains that they met after his prostate cancer diagnosis and adds her personal perspective to the conversation.
What does Marzena say about intimacy beyond an erection?
Marzena offers her personal opinion that there can be other ways to satisfy a partner when sexual function changes. The conversation moves beyond treating an erection as the only measure of a sex life. It is a personal perspective, not a prediction about recovery.
Why do Dick and Marzena talk about listening to a partner?
Dick talks about asking a partner for direction and listening. Marzena then stresses the importance of being involved as a partner. Their exchange is about communicating rather than assuming what the other person wants.
Had Richard and Marzena met before his diagnosis?
No. Marzena says they met after Richard's diagnosis. She calls her perspective subjective and talks about the anxiety of meeting someone new after an illness.